I’ve been answering this question way too many times so here’s some advice on how to survive breakup if you feel like dying but let it be clear: I ain’t no expert in this field. I’m always worried about offending someone by writing about personal matters based on relationships with real people but if this reasoning was in fashion no one would ever write anything based on experience and every advice would be useless. So there it is. My sincere apologies to my exes and oh ohs, I intend to proofread this text to make it as impersonal as possible :)
I know this feels like the worst thing in the world right now but every day it will hurt a little less until you can barely feel it… Then new things will happen that will hurt you even more… :) (Fuller House, S2E7)
It is possible to stay miserable for months and years without getting any better and just TIME will not fix your life and JUST waiting until you become happy again won’t do it. You need to keep trying to help yourself, without it you can stay heartbroken for a long time and embittered for your whole life. Depression is a very easy thing to gain if a grief is being developed instead of being put away. In my case cultivating my sorrow lasted longer than two weeks (up to 2 weeks it’s fine) and I didn’t want to get rid of it. It seemed more natural to me to stay in pain than not. My family and friends were giving me a lot of wise speeches that could make a great book. But at the time even the greatest words would go straight through my empty head and not stay in there for one second. Until one person told me they’ve been miserably in love with someone for 6 years! That was the moment when I turned to everyone who had my back and I decided to go back to the LIVING. I didn’t want to be this pathetic for so long. I realized that this perspective was actually possible and that being unhappy doesn’t just go away by itself and that I WILL STAY IN PAIN UNTIL I START DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I’m not saying I will stay in pain for as long as I want, because nobody actually wants to be in pain, but for as long as no action is taken by me. I need to put a lot of effort and to actually change. Bigly.
Every difficult situation in life is a great opportunity to work on yourself. Working on your character is so much harder when everything goes well so when it doesn’t you can turn your fear into excitement and your sadness into gratefulness.
Things you can do to get back on track:
Be nice to yourself
Doris Wolska helped me with this one. When I already knew I didn’t want to feed my sadness anymore but I felt I couldn’t do anything about it. Doris taught me that the start can be really easy. You go to the movies to see the funniest comedy ever and you laugh until you’re out of breath, you eat your favourite chocolates, jelly and popcorn, you go to a SPA or create one yourself. You allow yourself to reset. Don’t overthink what happened and whether or not that person was the worst or the best… Don’t think about it at all. There’s no point of you torturing yourself with the things that can only bring you pain. My friend told me this – the old ways are like a dog… If you stop feeding it, it will die. The sooner you will start practicing the art of letting those thoughts go, the sooner you will be able to be free.
Avocado and banana mix is also a great power and happy food that will help you after a rough time especially if you haven’t been eating much… Today this mix brings me bad fame at work and comments such as ‚why don’t you like yourself?’, ‚oh please never cook for me’, ‚it literally hurts my eyes’, ‚oh *****’ – clearly England is not a fan of avocado and banana puree :) But I love it! :D
Look around, the world is so much prettier than the dead cat. But you won’t see it if all you keep focusing on is the dead cat.
Force yourself to do life
You just need to do things. Even if you don’t FEEL LIKE IT. There’s a lot to do. You:
-put on uncomfortable clothes that won’t invite you to go back to bed and whine
-do work. You study, you work on your projects, if you have nothing to study you sign up for a course and then you study and if you have no projects you make one and work on it
-buy not-ready food and you cook your meals
-go to a nice cafe for a coffee and cake and you read a book there
-join a gym and attend fitness classes
-listen only to happy music
-have friends over or you go and visit your friends
-volunteer for a charity
-help to organise some town event etc. etc.
You force yourself to do things that can make you happy. When you do things that would usually make you happy you fool yourself into being happy therefore you become happy in the process. While doing all those things you don’t need to be in denial and pretend you’re not heartbroken, but while being heartbroken you have to actually fight for yourself (and doing life is it) not to lose the true colours and not to get depressed. You can take it as a CHANCE to create your life again. Without listening to anyone else’s ideas on how you should live your life you start doing what you actually want to do and you make new habits and routines.
Things not to do:
-stay in bed until 12 (or all day)
-watch TV/binge watch netflix
-listen to sad music
-refuse family’s/friends’ help
-rethink the past over and over again
-wonder what would life be like if you were still together
Have only good friends around you
They can tell you to ‚suck it up’ or give you bad or worse advices. They can empathise with you so much you actually feel them carrying your pain along with you. They can intentionally ignore your heartbreak thinking it’s for your best and try to keep your mind busy with other things or they can take you out clubbing or set you up for a rebound. All of those are the good friends :) They can have different medicines or no idea about the matter whatsoever but they care about you and that’s what you need when you’re missing someone who’s highest priority was (or should have been) you. The not-so-good friends that you don’t want to have around in that season of your life are the ones who are not there. As simple as that.
Try, fail, repeat
The pain WILL go away if you will keep working on your happiness. You can have one happy hour :) And then it can all go back to hell. Then you can have a good day and again the life will suck. How stable your emotions and feelings will become depends only on how many times you won’t give up and how quickly you will choose to get up again.
Freeze your feelings if needed
I know they say that you need to let yourself to cry it all out but it might be really hard to stop later. Sometimes it is better to freeze your emotions for some time and release it later, when it’s less of them and your vision is clearer. I remember when, after a month of crying in every hour of every single day, my dad would ask me if I wanted a sandwich and I… would burst into tears :) That’s because at that point I was unable to stop ‚letting it all out’ anymore and literally everything would make me upset.
See opportunities only
Use the extra time you’ve got to learn how to dance, shoot, fight, ride a motorcycle, if your person didn’t like your favourite hat – start wearing it, if you lost some friends only because of your relationship – get in touch with them, if you couldn’t go on some trip -here’s your chance to do it! Anything you like you can do. And you can worry only about what YOU will think about it later.
That would be all
When it comes to post-breakup competition on who will be fine first etc etc I have no idea how to deal with it, I didn’t experience that. Stalking my exes is also not my thing. I think that if you let the whole thing go you will not worry about things like that and you won’t have an urge to stalk anyone.
Maybe you won’t go through that hell twice
Going through that process has certainly made me stronger. At that time I needed to be home, and I required my family and all my friends to support me 120%. And now, after another breakup (God I still wish I had other kinds of experiences instead :) I could survive just staying in touch with a good friend and simply doing life. Working and studying and working and studying. Even when I didn’t feel like it. And I was ok. Now I am good. By Christmas I will be great ;)